So this weekend I finally did something I would have wanted to do with Kalena. We went camping! I had some amazing support who encouraged me to bring Lena bear. As a grieving mother trying to navigate her motherhood sometimes I get nervous, shy, and unfortunately uncomfortable bringing Lena bear with me. I’m a 25 year old woman… by societies standards I should not be carrying around a teddy bear. I feel shame and then guilt for feeling all these feelings. I have a great support system who helps me normalize carrying around Lena bear. They encourage me to include her in things such as camping!
When the camping trip was being planned I was encouraged to bring Kalena and make memories with her and our family. I was so excited! For the past two years I’ve wanted to include Kalena physically in the things I do, but feel uncomfortable bringing her bear. Well I figured this camping trip would be a perfect way to include her in an emotionally safe space! I packed up a few extra outfits and some blankets for her, to try and keep her as clean as possible! I even made a little joke about her being the easiest child to pack for!
The trip was a success! The first morning I grabbed her out of the car and enjoyed some coffee with her sitting on my lap and we even took a little walk to the river, and of course we cuddled with her fur brother Sandor! During my time in the mountains I felt so good about the trip! It was great, relaxing, and I felt “normal”
As we were leaving the canyon and coming back to reality, my grief unexpectedly hit me like a ton of bricks (it has a nasty habit of doing that). While I had a very good experience of including Kalena into my life and creating memories with her, I realized a huge part was missing from this camping trip. I had visions of trying to wrangle a two year old. Trying to keep her away from the fire and trying to educate my small child about the importance of not touching the fire, or wandering off, or a slew of other things that could bring her harm. I had visions of making s’mores with her and watching the pure joy on her face the first time she took a bite. I had visions of being annoyed with myself for giving her a s’more because now I have to clean up a toddler without an actual bath, or bathroom.
While my camping trip was great and so many memories were created, there was a big part missing. Thankfully I have a great support system to help remind me that it’s okay to feel my feelings. It’s okay to feel happy and sad. It’s okay to have fun and be sad that there is a huge chunk of my heart missing. I am beyond grateful to have people in my life to encourage me to continue normalizing my motherhood and to not feel shame when it comes to loving Kalena, and creating memories with her!
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I wish there was a ‘like’ button or a ‘hug’ button. Thanks for being real and sharing .