Many of you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness (PILA) month, and as this month approached, I sort of dreaded it. Not only for the fact that it is PILA, but it is the start of the holiday season, creating a lot of anxiety for the darkness that I will most likely experience. There is a lot of apprehension on my part with the upcoming holidays and time of celebration. Grief is dark, lonely, and isolating.
Since I have started KD Boutique I wanted to use my abilities to create something to help honor the little babes who have passed. I wanted something that could be worn by the parents who have lost a child, but also the friends and family who are there to help support and honor the loss. I remember when Kalena first passed there was nothing that resonated with me that I felt comfortable to wear. I didn't want something with that was inherently religious, or something that would make people have pity for me. So I was kind of left with no choice but to create it myself. Therefore creating the STILL LOVED collection. 
For me, the words STILL LOVED carry so much weight and meaning, that I was so terrified that people who have not experienced such a loss wouldn't understand the meaning (which is also kind of why I designed it the way I did). I wanted to create something that I knew held significance of honoring my daughter as well as all the other babes out there without having this gaudy in your face "Hi, my baby is dead". I wanted something that was a subtle tribute to Kalena and all the other babes. I wanted something that could be worn universally without the discomfort. I wanted to create something that would start conversations and allow stories to be told, and an opportunity to normalize normal.
As I was in the midst of my creative process I decided to reach out to some loss moms, as well as my labor and delivery nurse and ask them a few questions that I had. I asked them what the words "STILL LOVED" meant to them, and I asked about the significance of rainbows and if they felt a sense of comfort and a whole bunch of other things that I wanted their perspective on.
I reached out to Junie's Mama @orangeafmama on instagram to see her perspective on things. She was one of the first loss moms that I related to from our use of dark humor and her openness with how shitty life after loss really is. The first question I asked her was "When you hear the words 'STILL LOVED' what do you think of?" Her response was "Awww I love this. It’s a kind of nice play on words to make me hate the word stillbirth less." Junie's mom is adamant about sharing her daughters story and helping end the stigma surrounding infant loss.
I also reached out to my labor and delivery nurse Sandra who was my literal rock during my delivery. She was truly what I needed during this time. From her calm presence, to her helping me prepare for what to expect and from her speaking such kind words to my daughter. I have one video of Kalena and Sandra is giving her a bath, and I hold this memory so close to my heart. I am so glad that Kalena's only bath was from Sandra. You can see the love and care that Sandra gives as she washes Kalena and dresses her. Sandra has not experienced infant loss herself but she is surrounded by it at work, and has helped so many families through their loss process. Sandra responded to my questions with such heartfelt responses and she said "Parents that have lost babies through miscarriage, stillbirth ad infant death still love them no matter the years that have passed." Sandra secures funding at Madigan Army Medical Center for all the loss families enduring this loss so that they have keepsakes and things that they can take home with them. Sandra is literally a rockstar and I am so grateful to have met her. I wish her meeting was in different circumstances but I am happy nonetheless. 
The entire creation of the STILL LOVED collection was intentional from start to finish. I chose the rainbow because it holds great significance to me. I choose to see the rainbow as something beautiful after a storm. When I think of my rainbow, I think of this small business that I have created. This thing that I am doing is quite beautiful. I am able to honor Kalena and keep her memory alive which is freaking amazing. I chose the colors I did because when I was preparing my home to have a newborn baby I made a blanket that I had every intention to take photos of her and announcing her on Facebook. I did this, but not with a living child. My post to Facebook was not one of excitement, but one of devastation. So I kind of wanted to pay tribute to that blanket. The words STILL LOVED to me are fairly simple. I still love Kalena, even though she is not here with me. I still love her even when I am sad. I still love her even when I am occupied with something else. No matter what happens in my life I WILL ALWAYS LOVE KALENA. 