I have been spending a lot of time this last month just thinking about things. My life, my grief, my daughter, my wants, my wishes, my desires for the future and everything else under the sun.
All I can say is…
Life is WILD
Life is UNPREDICTABLE
Life is SCARY
Life is HARD
I have come to accept the fact that there is only a small amount of things that I have control over. There have been a lifelong of things that have happened to me and I am left with the rubble of those choices. I have come to realize that I am in charge and control of my reactions to those events. And even then my ability to control my emotions are limited… cause like BPD.
I have also come to a realization that I am so tired of just surviving. I am tired of just feeling like life just happens to me and I just have to constantly just DEAL. I want to create a life that is more than just surviving. Eventually I want to be in a place where I LOVE MY LIFE! However, I am not there yet, and I think that I am far from that. But hopefully one day I will get there.
Since Kalena died, I have told myself and anyone that will listen, that I want to live the life that I would have wanted for Kalena. And I am 1000% not living up to that promise. I know that I wouldn’t want her to live in the space that I am living in. I remember an incident where I was talking with Kalena’s dad, and I said “If it isn’t good enough for Kalena, then it isn’t good enough for me”.
As I am writing this, I am experiencing a very overwhelming epiphany. I am not holding up my end of that agreement. I am not doing the things that would create or cultivate the life that I would want for Kalena. I have sort of just resigned myself to being complacent in life. I am not doing the things that I vowed to her.
There are for sure things that I need to change, like being more intentional with my time, and the things that I do. I would want Kalena to experience a life of not being afraid. Not being afraid of failure. Not afraid of trying new things. I would want her to do the things that bring her happiness. I would want her to know what those things are. So I am now kind of at the beginning of another part of my healing journey.
It is kind of overwhelming to think about, but at the end of the day I wouldn’t want her to be living the way I am living right now. So like excuse me while I go scream cry and throw up real quick then back to being a healing girlie.