Recently I’ve been spending a lot of time just thinking. Which is not an abnormal thing for me to do because my brain never stops. But I digress. I’ve been spending a lot of time reminiscing on my therapy sessions with my most favorite therapist Malori! Malori has given me so many amazing tools to help me process my grief and learn to live with it.
One of our sessions we were talking about Kalena (obvi 🙄) and also the need to heal my inner child. During this session there was kind of a light bulb moment for me. I told Malori that being Kalena’s mom is the way to heal my inner child.
Since the day Kalena died I have been adamant about living my life like the one I would have wanted for her. Which means being the best version of me. Which means healing and growing. I have a very intentional way of living. My manta is “if it’s not good enough for Kalena, it’s not good enough for me”.
Back to the whole healing the inner child aspect… I would never want to pass down certain traumas, poor self image or a slew of other things that I am plagued with to Kalena. I would have wanted to be a woman she looked up to and thought that I was the SHIT! I would have wanted to be the rock she needed in her life. Just because my child is dead doesn’t mean I don’t get to become that person. I’m doing the damn thing because I would have wanted that even if she was alive.
Being a mom to a dead baby still has provided me with the opportunity to be the best damn mother I can be. It’s different but it’s my normal. So here is to healing my inner child and breaking generational traumas for my little squish. Because she deserves a healthy, healing, and intentional mama even if she isn’t here.